Hero Sandwich/Transcript
Wanda Dollard: This magazine rack is a mess. Brent Leroy: What are you talkin' about? I put a lotta thought into arranging that. Wanda: It's all hodgepodgey, nothin' categorized at all. You got "National Science" besides "Wedding Bells." Brent: Yeah? Wedding Bells is for somebody who's lookin' towards the future. So is National Science. Hank Yarbo: What bugs me, is you got the hotrod magazines mixed in with the gardening magazines. Brent: Maybe somebody wants to soup up their Rototiller, you know, throw a fuel injector under their Weedwacker. Hank: Hotrod Weedwacker. That'd be cool. Wanda: Well, then why do the gardening magazines lead into the fashion magazines? Brent: Plants... Wanda: Implants. Brent: There ya go. Wanda: Maybe I should get a tattoo. Brent: Why? Wanda: To kinda make me feel bad. Brent: You're already late for work three times a week. How bad do you wanna be? Wanda: King George the Fifth had a tattoo. Brent: So? One out of five kings gets a tattoo, you jump on the band wagon. Wanda: I just can't think of what to get. Brent: There's the Chinese symbol for disappointing your parents. Emma Leroy: Why? What did ya do now? Brent: No, not me. King George, here, has decided to get a tattoo. Oscar Leroy: That's a good one. Get that one. Wanda: Why would I want a tattoo of a skull devouring a human heart? Oscar: Oh. I thought it was Popeye. Emma: If you can't find anything you want, I can draw you a few designs, Wanda. I designed my own. Brent: Your own what? Emma: Tattoo. I got a little bulldog on my shoulder. Brent: When did you get a tattoo? Emma: Well, I was in the tattoo parlour the day Oscar got his and I thought, "Why not?" Brent: Well, Mom, just because Dad gets a tattoo doesn't mean that...you have a tattoo? I've been raised by gypsies. Wanda: I didn't know you could draw. Oscar: Oh, she draws, paints, all that crap. Emma: He's so supportive. Wanda: Can you draw something up for me? That would be great. I was thinking about a teddy bear, somethin' soft and cuddly. Emma: Well, I'll get started right away. Brent: My Mom has a bulldog tattoo. Do I even dare ask what yours is? Oscar: None of your damn business. But when I'm on all fours, I can make it dance. Davis Quinton: These charts are amazing. Fitzy Fitzgerald: As you can see, the study shows a big increase in traffic. Davis: And they're so colourful. Karen Pelly: We do traffic studies in Dog River? It seems like a waste of money. Fitzy: We don't have to do it. But, then again, we don't have to have two police officers either. Lacey Burrows: Hey, Brent. Before you order, try one of these. Brent: Food before I order. Let's keep this new policy. Mmm, that's tasty. What is it? Lacey: I invented them. I'm gonna call it the Ruby Club. Brent: That's fantastic. I'll have a chili cheese dog. Davis: Look at this traffic. All those times I crossed the street I was takin' my life into my own hands. Karen: Yep. It's like Death Race 2000 out there. Fitzy: The bottom line is, I'm replacing the four-way stop sign with a traffic light. It's time Dog River joined the 20th century. Karen: Then we'll only be one century behind. Fitzy: I want you to crack down on jaywalkers. Karen: We can't just suddenly start handing out jaywalking tickets. Davis: She's right. First we need to let the people know they're in the 20th century. Fitzy: I've already talked to Gus at and he'll print a gentle reminder to let the people know. Brent: "Pedestrians in danger due to large amount of traffic." Anyone seen a large amount of traffic? Hank Yarbo: Maybe he means amount of large traffic. Brent: That makes five tractors, four combines. Hank: Three diskers. Brent and Hank: Two turtledoves. Brent: Jinx. Lacey: If it's gonna reduce injuries, maybe a traffic light's not so bad. Plus, it might remind me of home. Hank: If you want us to remind you of Toronto I could flip you the bird every time I see you. Lacey: Were people in Toronto rude to you or something? Hank: I've never been there. Lacey: You want a Ruby Club or not? Hank: Yeah, sure. It's zesty, without bein' too preachy, if you know what I mean. Brent: I rarely know what you mean. Oscar: Did you see this in the Howler? Damn government. They can't tell us what we can and can't do. Brent: Ok, settle down, Dad. It's just a traffic light. Oscar: Traffic light? What are you talkin' about? I mean this. "Call before you dig." Why do I gotta call? I dig where I want. Insane mayor, crosswalks? This is even worse. And what do we need a traffic light for? The four-way stop works fine. Hank: And there's nothin' wrong with jaywalkin'. It's how things get done, as the crow flies. Oscar: This is government mind control, that's what it is. Telling me what to do. "Stop here," "Walk," "Don't walk," "Do this," "Don't do that," "Eat your peas." Brent: Eat your peas? Look, this is the Dog River Howler after all. The info is sketchy at best. Remember last year when those coyotes were comin' into town eatin' people's cats? This thing's not exactly the Gospel. Hank: Plus the plural of werewolf is werewolves, with a "v". Brent: Also a good point. So you can eat your peas on your own terms, Dad. Nobody's gonna take this too seriously. Davis: You too good to use the crosswalk, Buddy? Lacey: No, Oscar, I'm not a communist. All I was saying is, if a traffic light helps prevent an accident, then we should consider it. Oscar: Crazy talk. I don't know why anyone asks you anything. What are your specials today? Emma: I'm a little hungry, what's the soup? Lacey: Well, if you're looking for something a little zesty, without being too preachy, I'd recommend the Ruby Club. It comes with soup also. I invented it. Emma: You invented soup? Lacey: No, the Ruby Club. Emma: Okay, I'll give it a try. Can I have a pickle with it? Oscar: Hold on. Do you charge extra for the pickle? Lacey: Oh, I think I can give you a pickle, Oscar. Don't get me wrong. My accountants will be very upset, but, oh, what the heck. Oscar: I just talked us into a couple of free pickles. Emma: Nice work, Mr. Trump. Karen (radio): Goldilocks to Papa Bear. Come in, Papa Bear. Davis (radio): If we're gonna use code names, I wanna be called The Hawk. Karen (radio): The Rock? Davis (radio): Not The Rock, The Hawk. Hey, wait? Yeah. Call me The Rock. Karen: I still don't think this is necessary. Davis: We don't get to choose which laws we want to enforce, Karen. Karen: Sure we do. Davis: Yeah, we do. But this is fun. People cross the street and we drop the hammer. Hey, wait. Call me The Hammer. Karen: I don't like shakin' people down just so Fitzy can buy a new traffic light. Davis: The law is the law. No one's above the law. Karen: Steven Segal's above the law. Davis: Oh, yeah. That movie rocks. Hey, wait. The Rock or The Hammer? Karen: I like Papa Bear. Lacey: So, how are the sandwiches? Emma: Delicious. Oscar: Still, I'd better not see any pickle on that bill. Lacey: Oh, I didn't know you could draw, Emma. Oh, why is the alligator dancing? Emma: It's a teddy bear. Lacey: Oh. That, that's what I said, isn't it? Brent: Hey, where are you gonna put this tattoo, anyway? It's not gonna scare customers, is it? Wanda: It's going somewhere on a private area of my person so that you and everybody else will never see it, until the company Christmas party. Brent: You're not gonna strip again, are ya? Wanda: No promises. Lacey: Okay, uh, the special today is an open-faced Denver with fries. Customer #1: I'll have the Ruby Club. Customer #2: Me too. Customer #3: Me too. Lacey: Okay. Then you all want Ruby Clubs? Well, that's easy. Three more Ruby Clubs. Emma: My favorite's the third one. But you can pick whichever one you want. I'm gonna grab some margarine. Wanda: Wow! Emma, I didn't know you could draw like this. What in the seven circles of hell are these supposed to be? Brent: I thought you said cuddly. That one looks like a rabid badger. Wanda: This one looks like a gorilla with a golf club. Flames? This one has flames on it. Brent: Mom, is one of these things supposed to be on fire? Emma: I added flames to make it look more surreal. Wanda: Mission accomplished. Maybe when I said cuddly, she thought I said ugly. Emma: I hope you don't mind, but I added a bit of artistic flair. Wanda: Ooh. Brent: Oh, that's what that it, that's flair. Emma: When you pick one, let me know. Wanda: I don't know which one to pick. Emma: Can you believe it? Lacey thought that was an alligator. Wanda: Yeah, I can believe it. Emma: Really? Wanda: Well, well, yeah, because Lacey's just so kooky. Emma: Oh, I'm glad you like it. Brent: If you don't pick one of her drawings, you'll break her heart. Wanda: What will she break in return? Oscar: Yeah, sure, it's a traffic light now. But the next thing you know, there will be advanced left turn signals and computer chips stapled to our ears. Hank: That's pretty far fetched, left turn signals. Lacey: A traffic light might spruce up the town, you know, give it an urban feel. Hank: You know, Lacey, it would be nice to have a conversation where you don't twist it to further your traffic light agenda. Lacey: Hey, I didn't bring it up. You guys were talking and I just... Oscar: Is that what you want? Machines telling you what to do? Hank: It's like that movie where the robots take over and, um... Lacey: Prevent traffic accidents? Oscar: I don't want a traffic light. No one in Dog River does. Lacey: What about the train crossing signal? You like that alright. Oscar: That's different. It goes "Ding, ding, ding" and the arm swings up and down. It puts on a good show. Lacey: I just don't think a stop light would hurt. Hank: Oh, Lacey, just drop it. When it comes to gettin' around, I think we know what we're doin'. Davis: Jaywalker. Go get him. Karen: Do I have to? Davis: He don't look like Steven Segal to me. Karen: Brent! Brent: Oh, hey, Karen. Karen: Brent, you just jaywalked and we're cracking down on that so I'm gonna have to write you a ticket. Brent: Really? Karen: You're not Steven Segal. Brent: Oh, ya got me there. Didn't you jaywalk to come over here to give me the ticket? Karen: I, I, I was just trying... Brent: Don't you think it would set a good example if you wrote yourself a ticket for breakin' the law you're trying to uphold? Karen: But I... Brent: You're not Jean-Claude Van Damme, Karen. Karen (radio): Uh? Davis, are you there? Davis (radio): I'm The Hammer. Karen (radio): Uh, we got a bit of a problem here. Davis (radio): The law's the law, Karen. Karen: Have a nice day. Brent: Careful. Brent: You know what? I will try one of your Ruby Clubs. Lacey: No! Brent: Or whatever is handy, a bag of chips or... Lacey: Yesterday we served 37 Ruby Clubs. Brent: Well, that's great in a suckish way. You lost me. Lacey: Look, I'm glad people like the sandwich so much. But all day "Ruby Club, Ruby Club, Ruby Club, Ruby Club, Ruby Club." It's making me crazy. Brent: I can see that. Why don't you stop makin' it? Lacey: Because I just printed new menus and I refuse to white it out. That looks so tacky. Brent: Well, I don't know, then. You're stuck between a rock and some arbitrary rule about Whiteout. Lacey: It is not arbitrary. It's just something I came up with and I'm sticking to, for no reason. Hank: Uh-oh. Okay. Whoa! Oscar: What the hell's she doin'? It's not her turn. Hank: I thought, I thought it was my turn. Wanda: Two geriatrics and an idiot. I'll never get home. Hank: It's his turn. Mertyl Runciman: Sorry. Oscar: Well, just move it, ya old dingbat. Wanda: More like a four-day stop. Davis: Oh, yeah, a stop sign's fine. Oscar: This has gone too far. Hank: Be careful. Oscar: I'm makin' a stand. Hank: You're crazy. They can see ya. Oscar: They wouldn't dare. Davis: Hold it right there, Oscar! You're lucky we don't give you a ticket for aiding and abetting. Hank: Don't you guys have anything better to do? Karen: No, not really. Lacey: Two Ruby Clubs. How about chicken salad or some soup? Four more Rubies, please. Or some chicken soup, or a soup and salad? Five more stinkin' Rubies, please. Look it, anything you want, I'll make. Hank: Hey, Brent, can you lend me some cash? Brent: Is that like your official greeting now? Hank: Huh? Ever since Karen and Davis started acting like real cops, I got like six jaywalking tickets. Brent: Six? Hank: Well, actually four tickets and two IOUs. They ran out of ticket books. And I just talked my way out of an accessory to a jaywalking charge. Oscar: I doubled back on them. You haven't seen me. Brent: "I owe you one jaywalking ticket. Sincerely, Davis." At least he's polite about it. How did you get six jaywalking tickets? Hank: Oscar's got seven. Well, he would if he hadn't gone on the lam. Oscar: Yeah. I'm a one-man open rebellion. Brent: Hidin' behind the toaster. Emma: Hi, Wanda. Wanda: Hi. Emma: Did you decide which drawing you like? Wanda: Yes, uh, I did, Emma. But, uh, here's the thing. I found out that I'm allergic to the ink in tattoos. Emma: How did you find that out? Wanda: Medical testing. I got the results back and, uh, damn the luck. Very, very allergic. Emma: That's too bad. Just out of curiosity, which drawing did you pick? Wanda: The first one? Emma: The squirrel with the hockey stick. Wanda: Squirrel? Oh, yeah, it's the hockey squirrel. Very, very cute. Thank you anyway. Hank: Fitzy, on behalf of the citizens of Dog River, we would like to formally lodge a complaint that this new jaywalking policy is stupid. Fitzy: Well... Hank: We should be free to walk as the crow flies. Oscar: Don't look at me, I don't know what the hell he means. Hank: Cross the street wherever you want. Oscar: Oh. Then yeah. Fitzy: Okay, okay. But... Wes Humboldt: Hank's right. And everyone is against the traffic light, too. Lacey: I'm not really against it. I'm not for it, but I'm not really against it. Hank: Lacey, you've been trying to get a traffic light in this town for years. Lacey: Hank, I moved here 10 months ago. Wes: No offense Lacey, but maybe you should just stick to makin' sandwiches. Delicious, delicious sandwiches. Fitzy: But, but you see... Brent: I see the revolution has started without me. Lacey: Oh, you're right, Hank and everyone. It's been my secret agenda, since before I moved here, to have a traffic light installed in Dog River. Because my scheme is now out in the open, from this point on, a dollar from every Ruby Club will go to funding the new traffic light. Wes: No offense Lacey, but maybe we just won't buy your stupid sandwich. Your stupid yet delicious sandwich. Oscar: The Ruby Club is history. Lacey: Oh, gee. When will I learn to fit into this town? Oh, well, no more Ruby Clubs, I guess, although I'm not whiting out the menus. Brent: Well played, Moriarty. Hank: Oscar, cheese it, the heat. I'll cover for ya. Fitzy: Look, guys, I... Wes: Save it, Mr. Slick Talkin' Politician. Hank: Listen, I want to cut a deal. Davis: I'm listening. Hank: If you clear me on my IOUs, and I'll deliver you Oscar Leroy. Karen: Cut a deal, Davis. We want the big fish. Fitzy: Look, I, I'm just concerned about safety. We're seeing a sharp increase in traffic. Brent: I don't know what increase in traffic you're talkin' about. I mean, Arnie Melfort bought that second pickup truck, but he can still only drive one at a time. So it makes no real difference in the actual numbers. I've done the math on this. Hank: Hey, Brent, I'm not the big fish. Brent: Oh, I'm sorry, Hank. Hank: No, no, no. It's a good thing. Brent: Oh. Well, good for you. Nicely done. Hank: Yeah. Fitzy: Look, we ran a counter cable across the road and this year traffic is extremely high, extremely high, extremely. Davis: He's got the charts to prove it. Karen: Okay, Oscar, pay up. Oscar: Fat chance. I'm engaged in civil disobedience. Hank and I are standing strong on... Karen: He sold you out. Oscar: So what do I owe you? Brent: But where did this traffic come from? Hank: Yeah, Fitzy, this, uh, cable counter thing, has it got a yellow box at the end of it? Fitzy: Yeah. Why? Hank: Ah, no reason, no reason. But maybe your counter box is faulty. Did you ever think about that? Fitzy: Okay. I'll hold on the traffic light till we sort this out. Hank: Hey, hey, hey. Karen: By the way, you got this on the way here. Fitzy: And wipe out the jaywalking tickets too. Hank: Yeah, ha, ha, ha, ha! Davis: You mean I got this blister for nothin'? Karen: I guess so, Hammer! Brent: Oh. Thank you. Hey, you look a lot happier. Lacey: Uh-huh. I haven't sold one Ruby Club all day. Brent: People hate your sandwich? That's great. Lacey: No. People love my sandwich. They hate me. Brent: Well, as long as they hate something. Wanda: Oh, hi, Lacey. Lacey: Why are you so down? Wanda: I'll never be able to get a tattoo or Emma will know I lied to her. Lacey: Ah, couldn't you get one in a secret place where no one will see it? Wanda: I have a history at Christmas parties where I... Emma: Hey, Wanda. I was hoping you were working today. I felt bad you couldn't get your tattoo, so I painted that picture you wanted. Lacey: Ah, a gopher. Brent: Badger. Wanda: Squirrel! Oh, Emma. That's, uh, so sweet and, uh, unnecessary? Emma: Oh, it's not as permanent as a tattoo, but at least he's something. Wanda: It certainly is. Emma: What do you mean by that? Category:Transcripts